It's amazing that I can be going about my day, doing my thing and BAM, I hit a brick wall. All of a sudden I am overcome with sadness and grief and a flood of memories. It's been about seven and a half years since my daughter went to heaven. Most days I am just fine, I always think about her, at least once during my day, usually I smile at a good memory. Sometimes, my heart aches like the day she died.
For example, today, I'm sitting at my desk, freezing and bored out of my mind, I see one picture on a friends Facebook, and now, I'm trying not to cry.
I find other times, that I drive by her cemetary and of course think about her, but don't stop by, other times, I'm pulled in. Or worse yet...just driving down the road and get hit with grief...I've had to pull over on more than one occasion.
At this point in my grieving process, I'm at the "this is how it will always be" stage. It sucks, and I know there are many out there like me who have lost a child and will always struggle with the randomness of their grief. I imagine, this happens to everyone that has lost someone they are close with, parents, siblings, grand parents...whomever it was.
I miss her, a lot! Sadly, I don't have a lot of great memories, mostly memories of her tied to a machine and knocked out, but the handful of good ones I have, I hang on to. We have a video of her laughing, and it is the most precious sound I have ever heard, and will ever hear. It is one of my most treasured 'keepsakes'. One of those things you take for granted if your child is healthy.
I'm ready to have another baby, but what scares me the most, is loosing another one. For starters, I never would want another child to have to go through what she did, it was horrible. Secondly, I know I couldn't handle two...I think I would become catatonic! I'm terrified of putting my husband through this kind of pain. I know that when I become pregnant, I will demand every possible test, twice, and when the new baby is born, it will have them all too.
I'm also scared of not having enough room in my heart for two babies! I'm terrified a new baby will replace Makayla, I don't know how that could ever ever happen, but I'm afraid of confusing the memories. They are all I have, I can't loose those too.
Now...what do I tell the new baby about their half sibling? Probably the whole story at some point, but at one point do I start bringing her into their life. It's going to be weird. My nephews were 'told' about her when they started recognizing themselves in pictures and then would see a picture of her and ask who it was and that they wanted to play with her. My mom would explain that she was my baby, and that she was in heaven. The first time my oldest nephew said "Can I go to heaven and play with baby Makayla?" about put me into Pine Rest! I panicked! He now knows that she is dead, and he is old enough to understand what that means, but, his little brother, does not yet, so we are doing this charade all over again. I have no idea how I will do this with our child.
Right now...I just know that I miss her, with every bit of my soul. I need a grief support group......
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