Faith

I grew up in the United Methodist Church in a small rural community in Northern Michigan. We lived a block from the church and I was there 4-5 times a week. I was active in Sunday School, Youth Group, a Puppet program, choir, and anything else I could squeeze in. I enjoyed my time there and the friends I made. I believed in God, mostly in a pretty generic way. I didn't necessarily act in ways that God wanted me to, but I was taught that my sins were forgiven and from my experience the UMC is a pretty laid back religion, you attend church and activities and no one really questions anything else.

My senior year of high school was the first year I started to question my faith. Two of my classmates were killed, one being a good friend of mine. I was devastated and couldn't understand why God would let such a thing happen. My mom asked my pastor to come talk to myself and a friend. This was a new pastor that had only been there for a month or two. Her answer to me was "I'm sorry for your loss, but it's god's will". Huh?! Really, that's all the counseling and advice you have for a teenager who is experiencing her first death experience, at least her first since she understood what death really was?! I was shocked, hurt, confused, and I never stepped foot in my childhood church again...at least not for about 4 years when I got married there. Anytime I tried, I would just cry, I was so confused about my faith, I didn't know what to believe, and didn't think I could find anyone to help me.

We left that rural community a year after this incident happened. After my family moved, we tried some other local church's, but never really felt welcome. No one approached us to welcome us, or find out who we were...so the whole family stopped going all together. That was about 10 years ago now. I have been to church, I attend church with my grandmother every Easter. I enjoy that time, but have never felt like I needed to try to go back to church regularly.

In 2002, I gave birth to a VERY sick little girl. This started my religious struggles all over again. Who would do such a thing to a precious little baby, who would put my (then) husband through something so terrible when his life has been nothing but bad things. This was suppose to finally be the one good thing in his life. We had her baptised by my childhood Pastor and family friend before her first surgery. I still wasn't sure of my beliefs, but I wasn't taking any chances. I spoke with my pastor, and also spoke to the hospital chaplain a lot. I also heard over and over again: "this is god's will" "he needs her for something better" "he has a reason for this" blah blah blah....all I heard was God is torturing your baby. The sicker she got, the more angry I became. When she died, I was, obviously, devasted. I heard all of these things over and over again, along with "becuase you didn't believe in god, she died" "because you baptised her as a sinless infant, she died". Of course, as the mother who carried her, who was responsible for her, I absolutely believed everything was my fault, I still do to a point, but I've had 8 years to figure things out in my head.

I still blame god for some of the things that happened to her, I blame her drug addicted father for other things, I blame myself for not standing up for her sooner, and I blame the doctors and hospital for not doing enough testing when I knew something was wrong with her.

It's time I move past that. I am remarried, to an absolutely amazing man, and we want to start our own family. This is my do-over that I think God handed to me. I believe God gave me Makayla to teach me compassion, never-ending love, and to teach me to learn self-respect, and to honestly "grow a pair". I am not the same woman I was when I got pregnant. Her father and I are both much happier where we are now and I do think God had a hand in that.

Now, it's time for me to find a new church family. I am still undecided about which church I would like to start attending, or even what my beliefs are completely. I believe in God, or at least the thought of a higher power, but I understand the "big bang theory" and believe that it absolutely is more likely we evolved than just spontaniously showed up on this planet. This is where my confusion lies. I am a realist, and it is very difficult to believe in something that I have never seen true evidence of. The closest thing I have is my story above.

So, my plans to find out where I stand with God are as follows:

Try out different religions: I'm curious and honestly very hesitant about religions that are "shouty and dancy" I grew up in the UMC, we sing and pray and listen, that's about it, other things scare me, but only because I don't understand them and honestly, am not sure I believe that the Holy Spirit can take your body over and have you start speaking in tongues. But the Pentacostals are a group I want to check out. I know many of them and they all seem very at peace with themselves and their relationship with god. This is the feeling I want. So, I will try some of the local Pentacostal church's and give them a fair chance.

I will also check out the local UMC's. We didn't find them pleasant 10 years ago, but I hear good things are happening at them, and a lot of things change in 10 years. It's what I know, what I'm confortable with, and what framed my morals and beliefs, I would love to attend a UMC again.

I also would like to try some of the Reformed church's, see how I feel about them.

What I want in the end is a church family that will help me through the healing process and help me reconnect with God. I want a group of people that will welcome me with open arms and offer programs or activities I can be a part of and feel like I am a part of. I want a church that I can raise my new child in, that will teach them good morals, teach them to have their own relationship with god, and hopefully instill in them what my church did for me so many years ago.

So, as I go on this journey of my faith, I will update this blog with my findings, thoughts and feelings. No worries, I'll still keep on with the complete random posts about my other life passions!